a relentless, demoniac pursuit of a man's dreams

2009 Resolutions

Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself

My Second Wind

I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.

I love my fear.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

bah

everyone's organising a bash or another after their exams. seriously, is it that fun? can't they pick somewhere other than a pub or bar or club?

and i wish i could always be there to make you smile..

the fallen saint left at 11:14 pm

Sunday, November 27, 2005

remember

this was what happened to you in your last relationship.

don't you even dare step into his shoes and do what he did.

you know you're better than that.

the fallen saint left at 10:26 pm

brawl

the test match between england and samoa was quite boring, and one wonders how i managed to last the entire 80 minutes on my sofa in front of the tv watching that, but looking back, i'm glad i did.

in the dying minutes, a brawl erupted, and it was quite a massive fracas. everyone was getting into the thick of things, a la a free-for-all. that was the most entertaining moment of the entire match for me. yes i know i'm a sick piece of shit for saying that, but sometimes a boring match can be lit up and made memorable with a couple of bloody noses and some massive blokes going at each other like punching bags.

england won, which isn't really a surprise. but let's face it, they still aren't on par with the all blacks.

the fallen saint left at 10:15 pm

have i changed?

she asked me a question last night that left me pondering for a while. i was that 'impulsive youth' up until not too long ago, and i readily admit it. how can i deny it, with such a hideous record behind me? it's easy to say i want to put it behind and bury the hatchet, but things are never this simple; this 'problem' cannot be solved. it's a part of me and no matter how ugly it is, i have to live with it. it's my stigma.

i turn around and shy away red-faced with utter shame and embarrassment at how i was in the past. never single for more than a few months on end. that speaks a lot for how easily my heart changed - or was i ever committed at all? with all due respect, maybe i just wanted someone, with no one in particular. like i said, impulsive youths reach out for everything. everyone seemed a possible. how disrespectful and rude.

and now i see myself as still wanting someone, to share special moments with, to talk to intimately, and to enjoy her company. will i ever want a particular person, or will it merely be a vacancy waiting to be filled? i would epitomise silliness if i attempted to theorise love. and unlike what so many of you who knew me in high school think, i've come to realise i don't really know much about all this. you may not believe it, but i do.

i can live without all this, because it won't kill me to do so, but at the same time i can't lie that i don't want a girl to love me and care for me. who doesn't wish for love to find them?

at least i know one thing's different now. with or without, i will be stronger than before. i won't cry for a girl again, and i won't plead for anything from a girl. the past has taught me well, that some people are not worth the heartache.

the fallen saint left at 2:10 am

what stands between

impulsive youths reach out for everything.
wise men, on the other hand, know what they want and how to get them.

the fallen saint left at 2:09 am

Friday, November 25, 2005

sure is fast

it's only been a fortnight since i last stepped into mambo2 and when i went there today 3 people had new cues. and they're taking part in the upcoming nationals. how quickly things change, huh.

and to think i was the first to order a custom cue, but the last to receive it. in fact, i haven't heard from the cuemaker in a while.. what the fuck is he doing?

the fallen saint left at 10:27 pm

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

office politics

talking behind others' backs and trying to justify one's own position is a common scenario that happens every now and then at an obscure moment during work. it doesn't take a lot of working experience to know that this sort of thing doesn't just happen in the army - it's everywhere. and i don't mean to be naive, but i'm quite sure we can all do without such nonsense.

sorry that you're an old man, and that us, people from the younger generation, have a higher productivity rate in the office and thus get things done much faster. but when i look at you at your computer, you take 10 minutes to try to digest a letter when it takes others just one. and you needed another 10 minutes to assess whether the sample i printed out was good enough to submit for approval. so who's the inefficient one, i wonder. fancy you whispering to the boss about your colleagues leaving early and having outstanding tasks unfinished. prithee, have a better awareness of your surroundings; we leave on time after finishing our day's work. you're slow and hence you need to stay back and wash up your in-tray. so whose fault is it?

and the boss dropped my department a bomb today. thanks very much, but i'll get it in by the painfully short deadline that you gave us. i'm not here to be looked down on, because i believe i am a difference.

the fallen saint left at 6:36 pm

Sunday, November 20, 2005

the dollars

it feels good to be spending money on myself again. i can't really remember the last time i splurged on myself except for my oakley sunglasses and football boots. okay, that actually counts as indulging myself. but whatever =P

so i bought myself a nice pair of flips from f&s that has this nice babe's back on the left side, and a pretty decent shirt too. that was yesterday. today i got the watch i've been eyeing for a while, and a neat nike t-shirt that nearly escaped my eye. seems like i've grown not just in weight but in size too. an XL actually FITS me instead of looking baggy on me. i wonder what i've been eating.

to top it off i gave my parents a lunch treat. feels good to be paying for something nowadays =)

tsk. i didn't fatten up.

the fallen saint left at 9:27 pm

Thursday, November 17, 2005

liberated

at long last, it feels great to be rid of the feeling of needing someone, in order to justify oneself. all this while i never knew i was being dragged along this stream of morbid social norm, trying to impress others based on their criteria and expectations, and what they defined as beauty and success.

it's not easy, not seeing eye to eye with just about everyone else that i talk to. that probably explained why i subconsciously adhered to their conformities and tried to be like one of them, just so i could fit in. because i was afraid of being alone, because i didn't want to be left out with nobody to talk to, and no one to be with.

but now i'm finally coming out of this shell, and for the first time i think i dare to be what i want to be without feeling the unnerving pressure of eyes being on me, scrutinising my every decision and action to no end. you can look all you want, because i know you do not dare to walk the path i'm taking. of course, maybe you dare but just don't want to, in which case something must have frightened you.

but i want this. this is me and this is what defines me. you can take it or leave it, because at the end of the day, it's always only me that's staying.

one's life is decided by the choices one makes. right or wrong, i'll see it through to the end.

the fallen saint left at 10:35 pm

Monday, November 14, 2005

images

so many people are having makeovers and shoots these days. and i don't think majority of them are models.. so what gives? is this some trend or am i missing something?

the fallen saint left at 10:34 pm

Saturday, November 12, 2005

something good

now i'm not fantastic at pool. i can't clear tables because i'm inconsistent, i can't maintain my focus for long periods of time because it's just me; but my break is working well now, my jump shot's getting better, my stroke's smoother and straighter, and i'm playing with more confidence.

so at least i'm somewhere on the right track. i probably am just at the start, and the end point is a long way ahead - out of sight - but it's ok, because it can only get better.

this game is special. it's not always you against your opponent - more often than not, it's you against yourself.

my demon will soon be laid to rest.

the fallen saint left at 7:17 pm

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

dodge and hit back

yeah you can keep throwing curve balls at me, and you can hit me time and again. but i'll never fall.

you show me someone that seems to be perfect for me, but you always take her away once i fall for your bait.

i'm having no more of this. i'm out of the game and i'm keeping my distance. so you can take your little pranks and shove them up your eternally glorious ___.

thanks but no thanks.

the fallen saint left at 9:56 pm

Sunday, November 06, 2005

everything falls apart in the end

doesn't it?

the fallen saint left at 12:07 pm

Thursday, November 03, 2005

naive people

i balked when i picked up the papers this morning. majority of singaporeans think tbey can cope with a terrorist attack- or any crisis, for that matter. first thought: have you even thought about it? can you begin to imagine what things will be like if a bomb ever went off in our streets?

so many of you think you are strong enough to overcome any obstacles, and (to borrow an oft-used phrase) 'win the war against terror'. but have you seen terror? do you know terror? you go about with your daily lives, watching those silly local variety shows on tv every evening when you get home, or check out the newly reopened zouk when the weekend's here. you complain that your job's an 8-to-6 instead of a 9-to-5. big fucking deal. and you think you're all so tough.

i'm not claiming i'm stronger than you, i'm only announcing that i'm not as foolish as you. you leave your security to the people in uniforms, who are pledged to protect your insignificant little lives under all circumstances, and you take your peace for granted. to hell with you. let's see how you will react if your sister is one of the tens or hundreds that got taken out with a suicide blast, or if your son never made it home from school. i'd like to see how you'd react.

and you think you as a singaporean are so tough, that such things will never happen to us, because there are people to protect us. i know i'm not as arrogant as you, but more importantly, i know nobody will ever be able to turn around at me and in any way mouth the words "i told you so".

the fallen saint left at 10:08 pm

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

high on endorphins

did about 30 laps in the pool this morning and had a run round the estate in the evening. no, i'm not becoming an endurance freak or something, i'm just deciding to get my lazy ass up and moving again. something in the back of my head is screaming overkill, but i don't care.

besides, i had the perfect excuse to go for a run today. my new asics shoes. yeah, lovely lovely. effortless striding, guaranteed. as for comfort, i was breathless and my feet weren't even aching. they aren't still. now i have a very good reason to run any time i feel like it.

the fallen saint left at 6:00 pm

what's left

mom told me when we were shopping at cold storage just now that she wanted to bake apple crumbles. i just was surprised, because baking apple crumbles, for me, has a different meaning..

i remember how she and i helped my mom out in baking the pies, how we would talk and tease each other while putting the apples into the baking tray, how whatever came out of the oven was the outcome of our efforts together. and it did taste real good.

yet as i look in the past, everything is tinted in a shade of sepia. i never allowed you to cook in my kitchen, or make meals for me. maybe i didn't trust you enough not to burn the house down, or i just loved my own cooking better. you'd always do the dishes even though i said i'd clean up afterwards. and you'd always come up and hug me while i was in the middle of doing something.

it all feels so distant now, and rightfully so. for what is left behind is only memories, and not feelings. i can't decide if i still blame you for what you did, or if i see you as a friend. but what i do know is that it's going to be hard for me to ever trust your word again.

no, there's no affection. just an appropriate dose of scepticism and cynicism.

the fallen saint left at 3:38 pm

new job

same camp, different office, different boss, different department, different life.

and so it is that i landed myself in nshrc. hardly anything like what the guy from the manpower office said, because i only left camp at 7.20pm on my first day, and i can easily foresee a hectic working lifestyle ahead. but i'm not fazed, and i'm not intimidated. talk is cheap, but just bring on the stress. i can take it.

the fallen saint left at 12:05 am